My view right now.
I know, I've been away. For months.
There is a saying out in the world, often attributed to either the Irish or Woody Allen interchangeably, but the origin makes it no less profound.
If you want to make god laugh,
make a plan.
I started out this year with a plan. I was fresh in the elation and exhaustion of writing twelve novels (ok, 13) last year. I was going to get straight to editing, I was going to self publish, or at least have a rough draft by NaNoWriMo, I was going to burn through 2013 with all the rocket fuel of the notoriety and lessons I gained from my project.
I was going to take over the whole damn world with my words.
This was my plan.
And lo, the pantheon of all the world's deities looked down upon me with a giant collective smirk. Doesn't she know better, they asked one another, we should really help her understand how this works.
You can probably guess that everything went wrong.
Everything. At least with The Plan.
Life has taken its pleasure in twisting my road. My job continues to require full-time hours. There have been new friends to welcome and spend time with, and new relationships take nurturing. There have been old things – habits, friends, possessions, beliefs, to let go of and grieve.
There is a trip to Japan to meet an Australian kindred spirit to plan and save for.
Martial arts classes to attend, and a subsequent injured shoulder to heal.
And there is self-reflection. Writing changed me, living is changing me, and I'm not the same person who built the structures of my life anymore. Some days, everything looks so alien, even the clothing I wear, the books on my shelves all looks alien. I itch and burn in my skin, wondering who I am, what I want.
I don't know why I haven't blogged about it all, and I wish I had an answer. There's not been a day I didn't wake up and promise myself to write a post – about where I've been, what is happening, how busy I find my days, and all the reasons my heart aches constantly.
I don't know why it has taken me so long. I also don't know if I'll ever find the words or courage to tell the deeper levels of my year, more than the happenings, the distractions, the heart breaks.
Maybe I will. I'm not sure.
But I still exist. I'm still here, not gone off into the purgatory path of many abandoned blogs.
What I can tell you is that I have never stopped thinking of myself as a writer, and I have belt forgotten about all the people who have supported me through last year and into this one.
And I do still write. It isn't as much as last year (obviously), but I do write. I'm working heavily on the project I started a a prequel for my Big Novel called Cult of the Sun. It's going to take time to iron out to post more online, but this is something I will have up and running, the langhing gods be damned.
Regardless, I'm back. Just in time for November and NaNoWriMo.
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